Who's Wedding Is It Anyway?
A look at the complexity of a South Asian wedding and what's coming up this month!
‘Your poor dad’ was a phrase I often heard growing up…why?
Because he had four daughters.
In many South Asian cultures, this was a bad thing for a myriad of reasons, one of which was that he’d have to pay for four weddings.
If you’re unfamiliar with South Asian weddings, traditionally, the bride’s family pays for the wedding, which I imagine back in the day used to be simple affairs, but there would also be the dowry to pay. In India, The Dowry Prohibition Act, 1961 outlawed dowries; however, this is such a deep-rooted custom that the bride’s family still pays in other ways. For example,
Gifts, including clothes and gold, are given to the groom's family.
Paying for the whole wedding and accepting the number of invites, however large, from the groom’s side.
Sending the bride many new household items for her new life, which also can be expected by the groom’s family, such as new dinner sets, duvet covers, cutlery, kitchen appliances, etc, alongside a new clothes wardrobe.
Part of this is what the bride’s family wants to do because they see this as their duty to their daughter, but also a wedding is a big show, and it is wrapped up in how well-off the bride’s family is perceived. This is competing with the Kumars on a whole new level.
Even for myself, when I look back at how I delved headfirst into wedding research 12 years ago and saw the standards that were achievable, it made my head spin. Instagram wedding looks can cause envy in abundance, and it’s hard not to get caught up when purchasing outfits, jewellery, shoes, hair and make-up services, the cost is enough for a house deposit somewhere! I even admitted my biggest wedding regret on the last podcast episode on Money Mindset.
Someone who seems to see through the wedding haze is Simran Kaur from Girls That Invest. Considering she is a millionaire and can probably do whatever she wants, she is showing that wedding events don’t need to be an extravagant affair, and has been speaking out about the pressure and costs, her family seems to be listening to her, but maybe that’s because she can afford her own wedding or they respect her wishes.
I’ve heard of cases where families borrowed or took out loans to pay for their daughter’s wedding. One of my previous managers once told me his banking client went bankrupt over his daughter’s wedding. When it comes to social standing, a wedding is the pinnacle of showing what you have achieved. As such, there may be no way to persuade parents to do less, plan within their means, or reduce the number of guests.
The one area I had the most arguments about with my Dad, the guest list. There are so many family politics involved in weddings, it’s unreal. From family and friends to business clients and their families, my Dad invited them all. In some ways, I thought, well, he has a big heart and wants to celebrate with them, on the other hand, it was my wedding, and I didn’t know half of our invited guests.
I like to think that some elements of this have changed. COVID especially reduced numbers and showed that small weddings are doable and it’s not the end of the world to invite fewer people. My sister had half the number of people, and we committed to a seating plan, which meant confirming with everyone that they were attending. This helps to control some of the numbers.
When I look at the groom’s side and what they want from a wedding, I believe it depends on their beliefs. If they WANT to share the cost of the wedding, if they say they don’t want a dowry in the form of gold and gifts. The power remains with the family that bore a son.
Unfortunately, there have been horror stories of women being mistreated by their in-laws, who believe they should have been given more in terms of a dowry. This case of Neha Devi shows that the worst of it still continues today.
It's this power imbalance that I believe stems from not embracing daughters when they are born; it keeps us at a lower status and is shown through our traditions, such as getting married.
I often speak of helping women in advocating for themselves at work, and in the Western world, it might actually be easier for us to do than advocating for ourselves at home. I indeed found that many times I could not influence aspects of my wedding, because it was not my wedding in that Western sense, it was my parents’ event, at the end of the day, they were paying for it and that limited my ability to have a say in what I wanted in terms of the size of it, the guests and how the day unfolded.
I know many women now are not in this position, but it takes us all to have these conversations and the deeper meaning of what weddings should be about to create change.
I’d love for there to be more open conversations about the cost of weddings and equality.
What’s your view or experience of South Asian weddings?
Coming Up This Month
There is a whole host of wonderful things to share with you this month. Sign up for a career-boosting event, or watch out for some deep talk on fertility and baby loss on the How Round Is Your Roti podcast.
Embrace Networking Event
When I started my career in banking, it was really daunting, going to a room full of people I’d never met and having to make small talk, hoping they would remember my name or even say it correctly!
Sometimes these events were rubbish, and sometimes I found genuine connection, but I first had to get over myself and put myself out there with confidence.
In my next event for South Asian women, I’m sharing my tips on preparing for networking events and what to do when you get there.
I’ll even share the alternative if you don’t want to attend events but still want to connect with people in your industry.
Join me on 20th June at 12 pm online for 30 minutes.
Places are limited, so reserve your spot now:
Women in Higher Education
If you’re in higher education as a professional or student, the South Asian Women in Higher Education has invited me to host a session on ‘Unleash Your Inner Confidence’. I’m excited to be delivering this, so if you are able to join, please do!
Here are the details:
Podcast
Next week I’ll be sharing the story of Asiya, who has started the Asian Miscarriage Hub in Instagram after suffering through her own miscarriages. She now wants to change how miscarriages are spoken about within the community to help mothers and fathers feel more supported.
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