A Fear of Asking For Help
Why a fear of asking for help can get in the way of good friendships and connections.
Hello,
I have a confession to make: I’m not good at asking for help. I’ve had an independent streak for as long as I can remember. I want to get things done myself, and I usually find a way without having to ask others. But recently, I’ve been questioning whether I’m proud of this streak or if I fear being a burden to others.
Perhaps it stems from a fear of judgment, being an older sister, or a desire not to appear weak. In truth, a combination of these factors—and possibly more—has likely shaped this mindset. However, I’ve come to realise that excessive independence often fails to bring a fulfilling life.
Fundamentally, we are hard-wired for connection. We are social creatures that rely on each other. Many scientific studies prove that health and well-being depend on community aspects. This got me thinking about relationships and how we form connections with others in different areas of our lives.
Friendships
In an interview on Brilliant Minds, Simon Sinek discussed a friend who was struggling but didn’t want to bother him with it. Simon said he was annoyed because he didn’t get the chance to help his friend. “We build trust not by offering to help but by asking for it,” he said.
Here’s the link to the video if you’re interested.
Perhaps we are too polite to ask for help, or we don’t feel that we have a strong enough connection with someone.
As I’ve aged, I feel it’s harder to make new friends, especially when so many of us work and have kids. It’s even harder to make an effort with old friends from school or University who are scattered around the country. What used to be weekly dinner trips or nights out are now annual outings where we reminisce instead of making new memories. People move around for work or family, but perhaps I underestimate the importance of keeping a good network of friends.
One part of South Asian culture that I feel robbed me of more fun and connection in my 20s was the over-emphasis and pressure to find a partner and get married. As we know, the pressure can start early, and if, like me, you start to see all your friends getting married, I started to wonder if it would ever happen and became too focussed on dating, which was honestly awful and not romantic at all.
That focus on romantic relationships does a disservice to other relationships that are just as important. I had been told repeatedly that once I was married I could do whatever I wanted, (yes, I was very naive), perhaps that appealed to my independent streak but it never materialised. Instead, I often felt stuck between what others wanted me to do and what I wanted.
The emphasis on marriage is also so great that sometimes it doesn’t matter how far a potential partner lives. My mum once asked me (whilst on the phone to someone) whether I’d move to America to meet someone and I asked her if she wanted me that far away from her. We are told so openly that marriage is the priority so everything we have built up in our lives, such as our support system of family, friends, work, hobbies, etc doesn’t seem to matter. I think we need to think more about what we give up for marriage and what is appropriate for us.
I am happy in my marriage, but I recognise that my partner cannot be everything to me or me to him. We need our siblings, friends, and work friends, and this requires a conscious development of other relationships. We may have been lucky in the past to have made friendships where we were at school or University, but keeping these friendships going is a commitment and we each have to decide whether it is worth it and how much effort to put in.
Work
Being stubbornly independent can deprive us of connections and opportunities. At work, for example, many opportunities come from networking, which means speaking about what you do and what you want from your career or business.
I have a friend who recently applied for over twenty jobs and didn’t get any, but she mentioned what she was looking for to a friend, and her friend referred her for a position, which she successfully secured. That is the power of networking. Again, it is an area that you have to consciously develop and participate in, and there are now lots of places to do this that suit you, whether in person or online.
I’m on LinkedIn most days, and I've made some great connections there, which have led to new connections. If you want to expand your professional network, I recommend working on your profile. Here’s mine if you want to connect.
In my workbook on networking, I explain that there are different types of networks that we can cultivate, including task (job-related), career (guidance) and social (closeness and trust-based). We need all three networks to thrive, and I also give some networking tips for attending networking events.
Coaching Tool
If you feel that it may be beneficial for you to look at your connections and strengthen them, try this exercise out.
List the people you know in these categories, with whom you have a close relationship and can rely on:
Work
Friends
Family
Then answer these questions
How diverse are your networks?
Is there one network that you rely on more than the others?
How much time and energy do you spend maintaining each of these networks?
Which network needs to be developed further?
How will you go about developing your networks and using them more effectively?
Let me know your experiences of friendship and asking for help here:
Best wishes
Priya