Are You Doing Too Much?

My take on household inequality and some reflective questions to help you re-assess your role at home.

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I wanted to share a funny story (sort of) …

A few weeks after I was married, I was talking to my mother-in-law about my husband's clothes, (because I’d now taken on the role of housekeeper/washer etc) and I said ‘he needs some more underwear’, to which she replied:

‘Actually, I buy his underwear, so I’ll get them for him…’.

This gave me the ick for so many reasons…

• Why was this 29-year-old man not buying his own underwear?

• There was something very protective in my mother-in-law stating that it was her role.

My husband’s view of it is that she worked near the stores so it was easier for her to buy. That’s true, but there is also a level of self-sufficiency in your basic needs which I believe is missing in men who have been looked after into adult life.

I see this more acutely in South Asian families where sons have been treated so well, so pampered and given most of their basic needs by their mothers and then it’s expected to be done by their wives.

I grew up in a girl's household, with three sisters and no brothers. My dad worked most of the week, so it was usually my mum and us girls at home. We were taught to clean the house, eventually stepping up to take care of ourselves and do our own shopping so we could live independently and in some ways, I knew this was training for taking care of my future family one day. It seems that many (not all!) boys and men were not prepared for life the same way. They were not taught LIFE SKILLS.

Several friends have told me they make their husband’s breakfasts, lunches and dinners, and their husbands rarely cook. I know everyone has their own situation and I recognise that this may work best for them, but I wonder what message this sends to their kids at home who are watching their parent's roles, are we setting this situation up again for another generation of girls to follow?

In last week’s post, I shared that many of the values and beliefs we learn as children come from watching our parents and/or primary caregivers, these values persist until we question them and check that they are still serving us. For example, I noticed that I felt guilty when my husband started to cook and clean around the house, I used to tell him to stop because my deep unconscious belief at the time told me that men didn’t do housework, even though I consciously knew that he should. We discussed our roles and decided that we should both work together around the house, and I changed that belief to remove the guilty feeling.

In addition, when there is less equality in household work, the person doing most of the work often doesn’t have the time or energy to follow their interests or hobbies which are important to enrich our lives.

Unfortunately, the stats agree. Women report higher levels of burnout than men, and they are more likely to leave the workforce.

A Trade Union Congress report in 2023 stated that:

“at every age – from the very start right through to the end of their careers – women are more likely than men to have to drop out of paid work because of caring commitments.”

Every individual and couple has to decide what works best for them, I am one of those women who left a corporate role to look after my children, but that did not mean my ambitions stopped or that I decided to take on all the household work. It took me a period of self-reflection, but I now feel more aligned with my values and interests.

Our culture places a lot on the shoulders of women, without concern for our wellbeing, but I’d like you to think about what equality means for you in your situation and where you can make changes to look after yourself if you feel that you need it.

This may involve having conversations around boundaries, housework or childcare with the people you live with. Below are several question prompts that can help you with this now and in future before you move in with someone.