I’ve been a mum for a whole decade. My little girl turned 10 last week, and it honestly felt a little weird.
There’s something scary about the realisation that I’ve been parenting for a while, and I still often feel as though I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I’ve put this down to the fact that we are both changing, growing, and learning together.
However, there are aspects that I’m keen to change as a South Asian mum, perhaps you can relate as a parent or even as a daughter growing up in a South Asian household.
These are just a few aspects that I’ve been consciously aware of as I go through my own path of self-reflection, but it hasn’t been easy to change because South Asian culture and family dynamics can be complex, especially when it comes to how we raise our children, but here’s my take on it.
Embrace What You Have
When our community has a strong focus on only celebrating boys, I almost had to fight to embrace what I’ve been given. I unconsciously held some deep-seated beliefs that I had inherited, and I felt the expectation and pressure upon me when I had my daughter (and second daughter). These impacted me more than I realised, which affected my mental health. I have since spent time untangling what I inherited versus what I truly believe, and honestly, I am so happy to have my girls. Having children can be so hard for women, so to have them is a blessing and privilege. My main message throughout all my work now is to embrace boys and girls equally through all our customs and traditions.
Getting To Know Each Child
I was under the illusion that you could mould the child any way you wanted. They would sleep, eat and behave once they were taught. No, it doesn’t work that way; each child has their own temperament and you’ve got to work with them. My two daughters are so different, and what works for one doesn’t work for the other. I’ve had to learn as I go along. Many mothers I speak to also agree that we are one parent for the first child and a different parent for another, because we are not the same person ourselves. My resilience and temperament have changed over time, and sometimes we need to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made along the way.
Checking Our Conditioning
There are aspects of how I was raised that I don’t want to replicate with my kids. As children of immigrants, we learnt to survive and fit in, while also holding onto a culture that was not always around us and perhaps hard to relate to at times. My husband and I have had to think deeply about what we pass on to our children. As a mother, I want them to love their bodies and be confident and to know more about puberty and sex. I’m willing to have those difficult and awkward conversations to save them from feeling alone with these heavy topics. Additionally, with the vast amount of online content available, if I don’t try my best to prepare them, they will likely search and find something online.
Slow Down To Be With Them
I’ve been guilty of treating my children like a to-do list, all the things I need to do for them, but not with them. Perhaps there is an association with the need to be busy to feel valuable. However, as they have grown and become more independent, I savour the times when we do things together, whether it’s playing board games, watching a film, or creating art. I want us ALL to have fun memories of their short-lived childhood years. Being a mum shouldn’t mean we miss out on the fun parts too.
Trusting Your Instincts
There is so much advice around parenting and in the early years, it was hard to separate what I wanted to do from the advice. This becomes harder if you live in a joint family and have a mother-in-law and/or sister-in-law(s) with children who perhaps did things differently from how you want to. Comparisons often arise in parenting, and what I’ve learned is that not everyone will agree with your parenting style. Sometimes, we need to be okay with that and trust ourselves.
Letting Go of Shame and Guilt
I’ve recognised more recently that I was raised with a lot of shame and guilt, if a family member wanted me to do something I didn’t want to, I was guilted into or shamed into it, for example, not wanting to dance at weddings when I was younger, it would be called showing ‘nakhre’ (a bad attitude), and it was only said to girls. I think parents now recognise that we must give ownership to our children, help them set boundaries, and respect them too, especially over who they wish to hug at parties or not. It may seem like a small issue, but it tells the child they don’t have to do something others want if it makes them feel uncomfortable. I see many women now through my coaching practice with people pleasing behaviours that stem from these expectations in childhood.
Breaking Cycles
Not just around how we raise kids and teens, but also our expectations of them. For example, will I be disappointed if they are not academic? Because this was what was valued when I was growing up, and if you were not academically inclined, it likely impacted your self-esteem. If you were academically inclined, then you may have felt that you continually had to strive to be valued. Each child is different, and I’ve learned to go with their interests, especially as my eldest daughter is excited by art and languages. We are in a different place from our parents, and whilst the ‘secure’ professions are great, we can encourage children to play to their strengths and interests.
So Now…
After ten years of parenting, I still don’t have all the answers, and like most parents, I am doing the best I can, but I hope that this means that I continue to learn, explore and check my own conditioning before I impose something on my daughters that I don’t want them to live with.
As much as I’ve savoured the cuddles and wished some stages away, next up…the tween stage…wish me luck!
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. What are you doing differently if you are a parent, or what change do you wish your parents had made for you?
I love how you’ve been parenting so intentionally - particularly when it comes to breaking cycles and ensuring equality between the genders. I’ve just read an article about a scientific study that shows that mother/daughter relationships result in twice the cortisol spike for the mother and I’ve been wondering how much of this is because of cultural conditioning.
great insights to a relatively new mum - 5 years in, though on the other end a step mum to a 14yo who skipped the early years